Take this world, it is yours
I have no desire for it, it is all yours
But from you, I have a last wish
In this hypocrite world take everything
Take everything but…

Let me to be
Let me to this hell
Far from you and my soul
I am a stranger to your heaven

Take this world, it is yours
Please don’t stay close to me anymore
If you have a sin I committed
It is my burden
Take everything you have
Take everything but…

Let me to be
Let me to this hell
Far from you and my soul
I am a stranger to your heaven

Did you ever have it? One morning you wake up. Open the curtains and see the sun shining brightly outside. People are going to their schools and works happily. It is the brightest day after the long cold Swedish winter. Everything seems so nice outside and everyone seems so happy but you have a problem. You turn your face back to your room and there is still that cold winter in your room. You feel cold, dark, depression. Your life is so fucked up that you can’t feel the spring. There is always winter in your room and there is always winter in your heart. I am living it this morning. I know I am in depression since last monday. I know I need to get rid of this but I just can’t. My eyes are crying, my heart is bleeding, my skin is cold and my brain is not functioning.

For the first time I am looking for power to tell myself; “It is over. Get used to it and move on. There will be better ones waiting for you. Why do you care so much? Look around. Winter is over and it is over with winter. Have your summer plans. Don’t include anyone in your summer plans. Live for yourself again. Be your old self. Be the one who doesn’t give a shit about anything going on in this world.”

I am still looking for that power. I just can’t find…

Couldn’t sleep so I went out walking
Thinking about you and hearing us talking
And all the things I should have said
Echo now, inside my head

I feel something falling from the sky
I’m so sad I made the angels cry

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon, tears from the moon

It just ain’t fair this thing called loving
When one step there and the other feels nothing
I would have done anything for you
I still love you, baby I adore you

All day I keep from falling apart
But at night when the sky gets dark

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Stop, Stop haunting me
It should be easy
As easy as when you stopped wanting me

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
but tears from the moon
can’t wash away the pain

Tears from the moon, tears from the moon
Tears from the moon, tears from the moon

I heard this song accidentally and it really touched my heart. It tells me to me…

I want you to be yourself. Y’know, boy, guilt is like a bag of ing bricks. All you gotta do is set it down…..Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well, I’ll tell ya, lemme give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts! He gives this extraordinary gift and then–what does he do? I swear–for his own amusement–his own private cosmic gag reel–he sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time! Look. But don’t touch! Touch. But don’t taste! Taste. Don’t swallow! [laughs] And while you’re jumping from one foot to the next, he’s laughing his sick ing ass off!! He’s a tight ass, he’s a sadist, he’s an absentee landlord!! Worship that never!

I choose Devil…

I have been thinking what makes us weak? I mean as a human being, as a social creature which is not only flesh and blood but also heart and soul. At first I was thinking disease, viruses, microbes, bacterias… But no, those are the stuff which makes the animal body we live in sick. We are more than that animal. It is up to you to name it. Name it soul or force whatever you like. We are beings trapped in these bodies. Actually maybe not trapped but we need those to live. I am thinking how come the first human being was put into this animal form? We are not supposed to be an animal. A head, two legs, two arms… Is this our true form? I don’t think so. And since this is not our true form what makes us weak?

Answer to that is something really simple. Our feelings make us weak. When feelings come logic leaves us. It has been like that for a long long time. As far as we can remember in the flesh and blood bodies we live in. A person we love makes us weak. We can’t continue our normal lives without those. I am thinking now so our biggest weakness is love. Without love human kind would be much better than now. And all other feelings; hate, anger… We need to get rid of those, else we are weak. But on the other hand those are the things which reminds us we are more than flesh and blood. But I am thinking. I don’t like to be weak. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to…

Today I opened my eyes and thought of something; Maybe 20 years from today we will wake up in a morning. Place unknown… Maybe somewhere in the north cold or south warmness. We will open our eyes and turn our sides. We will look at the strangers whom we are sharing our beds with. I don’t know if we gonna love them. I don’t know if we will still be missing each other. I don’t know if we will feel a pain in our hearts when we hear each others name from a common friend. Think about it. Won’t you shiver when you feel the smell of salt coming from the southern sea. I know I will shiver when I see a snowflake.  I will count every six piece of it and see your body in the most beautiful one. Then push all the snowflakes off of my coat with the back of my hand. But I can’t get rid of all the memories I have. Memories are stronger than snowflakes. But as I am get older I will start forgetting. They will be gone slowly. I will try to hang on the new family I have if I can have one. I don’t know how many of my friends still will be around me. Your face is insignificant now probably. I barely remember your body. After all 20 years makes a lot of difference. I will try to feel alive time to time. Maybe some adrenaline rush between all the theatre I am playing inside the society.

I actually don’t have the tiniest idea about next 20 years. I just know one thing; I will remember you. You are impossible to forget. And when I call your name at night, my heart will shiver…

“… Here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chambermaids. O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!”

And all men kill the thing they love,

By all let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

- Oscar Wilde

Ama gene de herkes sevdiğini öldürür,
Bu böyle bilinsin,
Kimi bunu kin yüklü bakışlarıyla yapar,
Kimi de okşayıcı bir söz ile öldürür,
Korkak, bir öpücükle,
Yüreklisi kılıçla, bir kılıçla öldürür!
Kimi insan aşkını gençliğinde öldürür,
Kimi sevgilisini yaşlılığına saklar;
Bazıları öldürür Arzunun elleriyle,
Altın’ın elleriyle boğar bazı insanlar:
Bunların en üstünü bıçak kullanır çünkü
Böylelikle ölenler çabuk soğuyup donar.

Past midnight. I have finally reached the bottom. I feel like I can accept anything now and nothing would surprise me. I better go to sleep.