I remember years ago I was dating a girl. She was a nice girl but I wasn’t a nice person back then. Maybe I am still not a nice person… I don’t know… Anyway, one day I told her that I want to break up with her. She fought against for a while but in the she accepted the situation. She just looked at me and told me something. These were the last words I heard from her. She said; “One day you will have no further desire for flesh but you will be hungry for soul.” I remembered those words today. Unfortunately now I know what she tried to tell me.

Did you ever had a problem doing your laundry? I am not talking about electricity or water goes off. I am also not talking about mixing white clothes with colored ones. I am talking about emotional difficulties. I had it last tuesday when I wanted to do my laundry. I am telling you, it was the strangest thing I had.

I was putting things to the washing machine then I stopped in one grey t-shirt. I looked at it for a while not understanding why I stopped in this t-shirt. Then I sensed the smell coming from the t-shirt. I got it closer to my nose. It was her smell. It wasn’t her perfume or anything. It was her smell. The smell I like the most. I breathed the smell in for minutes. I touched the stupid t-shirt like I am touching her hair. Then slowly I whispered “Elveda askim” and threw it to the washing machine and started the machine in a high temperature with a lot of softener and detergent to make sure smell will go away.

I don’t know if I washed out things from my heart but at least I washed them out from my sight.

I feel like I am living in a dream now. Maybe it is wrong to call it a dream but a nightmare. Someday I am opening my eyes and starting the day great but later in the day, something happens and I am back to my old self. I don’t know if I am sleeping or awake. I feel a knife making a hole through my heart. I feel like I am having a heart attack or something will make my heart stop beating. I don’t know how I ended up like this. My whole life is in pieces and all whose pieces are all around. My school work has never been worse. I am not the half of the man I used to be. And I lost the thing I cared the most. The thing I care the most is gone and will never come back.

I know this thing feels like an end for everything but it is actually now. What doesn’t kill us is supposed to make us stronger. But this is the second time I am losing someone I really care for. First time there was nothing I could do. This time there is also nothing I can do and maybe actually the thing which hurts the most is this. The feeling of despair. I didn’t feel it for five years and now it is back. It hurts the most maybe.

I will go to bed now. Close my eyes to this dark night and hope to open them to a better day. I hope one morning sun will shine again.

My life is not split. It is shredded.

Life is strange. Sometimes I think our ultimate reason to live is to suffer. There are small happinesses but those are just to make the life even more sadistic. Those are designed to give us hope and hope is the strongest weapon against human will.

I just took an ice cold shower five minutes ago. This is only ten minutes after I realized she made her relationship information hidden. I am now sitting on a chair completely empty. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t think she did that without a reason. I stayed under cold water for minutes. Shaking and crying. Crying out all my disappointment. Asking my self why? Is this the end? Please don’t go… I can’t stand this world without you. Please… Please…

It is good(!) to be back home. Ok, this was extremely sarcastic ad you could get from the exclamation mark. Nothing is going good recently. Istanbul is supposed to make me happy but it is not making any chance. It is actually going to worse. My hysteric sister is being a drama queen as usual just because I prefer to spend my only free day before the conference with my girlfriend instead of her. My mother is crying continuously because my sister is crying and worst of all my dream of covering my girlfriend with my arms to sleep for next 4 days is in danger. All my hope is at least she will be the happy cheerful girl I like and light my days in Istanbul. If it goes bad as well this time I am burning down all the bridges to everyone including my family and never coming back from Sweden. Never ever… If you excuse me now it is time for 2nd round between me and mom. Bets are 1:5 for me and 1:3 for mom. “Ready. Fight!”

I had times that I have been thinking this is so sweet and other times this is so bitter. But I realized something. This is neither sweet nor bitter. No more love words and poetry. That is fine but it was never that simple. Life is not simple. Love is not simple. I know everything is fucked up and going down yet I am pretty afraid of losing. I shouldn’t be. I am not half the men I used to be. Losing my belief, losing my self confidence. This is not me. This is not me I see on the mirror…

I started writing now. My clock shows 3.25 am. I am really thinking what the hell I am doing this late. I just couldn’t sleep. There is a worm eating me inside out. I am feeling so awful and depressed. I disabled my fire alarm. Lighted a cigar. Nothing expensive though. Just a simple aromatic one. It helps a bit but keeping window open and feeling this cold is another story. I am listening to Dream Theatre’s Space Dye Vest in loop. I think it is not a great idea though. I can’t say it is making my mood any better. It is not a really positive song after all.

I need to read a 370 pages book, write a book review, write a research proposal and have an upcoming home exam. I totally have no idea what I am gonna do about my studies. Oh, I was nearly forgetting, I still didn’t finish the paper from last course. Besides all these school work I have important tasks and duties. When I am gonna do those? And how? I am seeking for strength but I can’t find any. Maybe I should try to pretend and forget. It is not easy though. It is not easy at all… I have reached limit of my strength, whatever happens from now on… it is out of control…

My clock shows 3.33 am…

Take this world, it is yours
I have no desire for it, it is all yours
But from you, I have a last wish
In this hypocrite world take everything
Take everything but…

Let me to be
Let me to this hell
Far from you and my soul
I am a stranger to your heaven

Take this world, it is yours
Please don’t stay close to me anymore
If you have a sin I committed
It is my burden
Take everything you have
Take everything but…

Let me to be
Let me to this hell
Far from you and my soul
I am a stranger to your heaven

Did you ever have it? One morning you wake up. Open the curtains and see the sun shining brightly outside. People are going to their schools and works happily. It is the brightest day after the long cold Swedish winter. Everything seems so nice outside and everyone seems so happy but you have a problem. You turn your face back to your room and there is still that cold winter in your room. You feel cold, dark, depression. Your life is so fucked up that you can’t feel the spring. There is always winter in your room and there is always winter in your heart. I am living it this morning. I know I am in depression since last monday. I know I need to get rid of this but I just can’t. My eyes are crying, my heart is bleeding, my skin is cold and my brain is not functioning.

For the first time I am looking for power to tell myself; “It is over. Get used to it and move on. There will be better ones waiting for you. Why do you care so much? Look around. Winter is over and it is over with winter. Have your summer plans. Don’t include anyone in your summer plans. Live for yourself again. Be your old self. Be the one who doesn’t give a shit about anything going on in this world.”

I am still looking for that power. I just can’t find…

Couldn’t sleep so I went out walking
Thinking about you and hearing us talking
And all the things I should have said
Echo now, inside my head

I feel something falling from the sky
I’m so sad I made the angels cry

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon, tears from the moon

It just ain’t fair this thing called loving
When one step there and the other feels nothing
I would have done anything for you
I still love you, baby I adore you

All day I keep from falling apart
But at night when the sky gets dark

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Stop, Stop haunting me
It should be easy
As easy as when you stopped wanting me

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
but tears from the moon
can’t wash away the pain

Tears from the moon, tears from the moon
Tears from the moon, tears from the moon

I heard this song accidentally and it really touched my heart. It tells me to me…