If I need to describe love with one sentence I can quote Chinghiz Aitmatov; “Love is labour”. It requires a lot to overcome. It requires fighting with too many hardships and never giving up. In the end what you have in your hands is much more valuable than the things you left behind in the process. Love is hard. Love is more than just feelings. Love requires your time, change in your plans and your devotion. If a person gives up after a few battles that love is a lost war.

And we come to second question: “What is Life?” I can also describe life with one sentence but this time I do not need to quote someone. Life is Love. If you are not in love and fighting for it. Life is just a time junk we pass everyday. Is there any point of waking up, going work and earning money every day if you do not have anybody to share it with? Is there any point of going out if there is nobody waiting for you at home to return? Isn’t life already so short?

Why life is love? It is simple. Because you think you live without love but you only exist. As I told before I am not talking about sticky love concept of teenagers. I am talking about real love which includes sharing, respect and understanding. How many times do we need to reject such greatness? I know people do that a lot and unfortunately they realize their mistake only when it is too late.

I love life and I live love. It doesn’t matter if it hurts. I am much more alive than many of you out there. What do you have to hold onto? Your money will not bring you happiness. If you have somebody you care as much as I described above. Hold onto that person. You will see it totally worth it.

I am feeling that I am at the edge of something tonight. It is something big. Something directly connected with the rest of my life. It is a stay or fall. I want it to stay it doesn’t matter how sharp the edges are. I hope not to fall with all my heart. I pray not to fall. I pray for…

You know that I have a new year’s resolution and that resolution consists most things I aim and dream for 2012. I wanted to update you all but I am not so sure if 2012 will work out as a good year for me.

First of all I accomplished half of the 1st aim. I rented a flat and I am moving out soon (once I furnish my flat) on the other hand at the moment moving out has no meaning for me. The person this was always intended to be shared might not be moving in with me. I didn’t feel so awful in years. I am doing all these and the result is just plain disappointment. I just want to be with her. Am I asking for too much?

I really suck at blog keeping recently. Maybe it is because I do not find my life that interesting anymore. I don’t really know…

Well, today is the first day of 2012 and everybody talk about what they will do in 2012. I decided to prepare a list as my “New Year’s Resolution” and cross out the things as I complete them. By this way I will know what I accomplished and what I failed at the end of the year. Here goes my list with time estimations & explanations;

1. Find a flat & move out: This is the top priority for me. I am great with my parents but I am really used to living alone. Living in a place which does not feel mine makes me feel disturbed. Also, my girlfriend is moving here to live with me so living with my parents is totally out of question. Expected accomplishment: Latest mid February 2012.
2. Complete my ESST05 and ESST 06 courses: I delayed these courses almost two years. I need to sit on my ass and complete these courses. Estimated accomplishment: Latest end of February 2012.
3. Completing B2 level in Russian: I just started learning Russian but unfortunately I am unable to spend as much time as I want on it. Therefore I will spend at least one hour every day from now on to learn it. Estimated accomplishment: June 2012.
4. Completing all ESST Programme. Estimated accomplishment: June 2012
5. Getting rid of all the abdominal fats and building at least 8 kilograms of muscle in my body. Estimated accomplishment: Getting rid of abdominal fat, April 2012; building muscles till the end of 2012.
6. Solving some of my inner problems: I need to be a happier person with myself. I need to fix my relations with couple of people. These are not things only about me but also about them. Estimated accomplishment: June 2012.
7. Having holidays by the sea at least for 7 days. Estimated accomplishment: August 2012.

These are all I have in mind. If necessary I will update this list but I think if I manage to fix this much, I will be able to fix the rest of the problems in my life. I am just praying to get the best out of 2012. Happy new year everybody.

Since I found out that TRNC army officer exam is different than TR army officer exam I have a new motive to go to gym.

TRNC army officer exam (after written exam):

• 50 push-ups
• 100 sit-ups
• 1,40 m high jump
• 4 m long jump
• 100 meters run
• 2400 meters run

I really need to shape up!

Why life is so shit? Every time I am feeling so great it starts falling into pieces. I do not know what to do. I just can not understand the deal with it. Once you have somebody special and you really connect with this person. Everything is ok and you want to be together but then god damn realities of life separate you. Why? All I want to ask is why? Why life cannot be easier? I wish everything was simpler. Everything better be simple otherwise I will silence everything forever!

I am not quite sure if I am in a dream of if this is my life. If this is a dream it is really lifelike. If this is life, then it really reminds me a dream.

Do not understand my words in a positive or negative way because as everyone I am sometimes having wonderful dreams and sometimes having terrible nightmares. All I want is to stay in my wonderful dreams instead of those nightmares. Still I am more in dream than nightmare since last new year’s eve. I am so happy with everything I have and I know people who know me will find this so shocking but I am praying every night. I am silently whispering my gratitude for everything god gave me and asking permission to keep those. I do not know if I will be able to keep them but I hold them tight probably they will stay.

I am having another trip tomorrow. Going to Ankara for couple of days. I will be finishing my ESN journey that I started almost four years ago in Ankara. During this time I met many great people and most importantly I had chance to meet again and again with one certain person. Even though ESN tired us it gave me chance to stay in touch and keep that person with me. I do not know if we could see each other that often and continue without our works in ESN. Now all my dream is to move to Istanbul with that person. Will I get a job? How we will sustain ourselves? Those are just technicalities. I know that I do not need much if I have her near me. All I want is to sleep next to her every night and wake up in the morning next to her. I know she is tired. I know she had a lot but we both did. I think we can only retire from the disturbing lives we had in our past in each others arms. I am now praying every night for the moment I will come home and see her with a smile in her face and in her eyes. What else can a man want? Aren’t we all looking for somebody to feel great next to. I found this person and I am not going to give up. Whatever happens…

I am having a great moment right now. I wish she could be here. it would be perfect

I am feeling so happy. It is so hard to describe why and how but I am so happy. Actually I know the reason. I am so happy because she is in my life. I am so happy because we dream about a life together. I am so happy because for the first time we both truly believe that we can do that.

I do not care about negativities concerning school and ESN work. I am still happy. I know we both have some down sides in our lives but I can feel one thing: “Every little thing gonna be alright!”

Woooooooow I feel so tired! I have no idea how my mood changed so fast. Is it about something I ate? I think I just need to talk to her to feel better. It always works. I am feeling kinda sleepy and I feel like I have no energy. I am not feeling like doing anything tonight. I guess I will try to wake up early to do stuff tomorrow. I just don’t know what to do now. Everything seems without purpose. I really need to send couple of e-mails, get ready to meet my thesis supervisor and do some more school work.

God my life is so dull!