Well this entry will be kind of mixed because I am kinda tired and I have a lot to say so please excuse me already.

I am finally back to Sweden. Actually it has been around 10 days since I am back. 10 long unproductive days. Well, actually they weren’t so unproductive. I moved in to my new flat. Keep in mind if you ever need to carry a lot of stuff just steal a shopping cart and push it. It worked great for me. Later we had a trip to IKEA with my lovely flatmate and spent the whole day there. Next two days were full with assembling the stuff. Now we have a really nice flat and I think it will get even nicer when we clean it tomorrow and decorate the walls a bit. Janine(my flatmate) has some nice posters to put on walls. So, we will see soon. By the way my flatmate is a really cool girl. I really like her. Even though she is vegetarian I think we won’t have any problem living together this year.

I am really mad at cell phone companies in Sweden because they don’t sell new iPhone 4 without a contract. It is stupid. It is my choice if I want to pay them 600 Euros at once and have my phone. Anyway, problem has been solved thanks to Henrietta(A Danish girl who lives in Copenhagen and just starting her PhD in Lund) I could buy it through apple.dk and ship it to her address. I still need to wait till around September 6-9 to get my new iPhone.

I am still not done with last semester’s course work in CIRCLE and I am feeling so ashamed. I need to do it soon. I promised myself I will! On the other hand I started my new masters on Entrepreneurship today and I have so many cool course mates. Also the program is really interesting and nice. Despite the workload (classes 5 days a week) it seems like a really cool program. I guess I will have a fun year this year.

I am starting gym again tomorrow I guess I will be getting rid of some extra weight kinda soon. I decided to have a basic life. Eating, studying, gym and it is already night then. I found the answer to many questions in my mind. Answer is just to make yourself busy and not to think. Life gets much simpler then. So, good light everyone. I love you lots!

I remember years ago I was dating a girl. She was a nice girl but I wasn’t a nice person back then. Maybe I am still not a nice person… I don’t know… Anyway, one day I told her that I want to break up with her. She fought against for a while but in the she accepted the situation. She just looked at me and told me something. These were the last words I heard from her. She said; “One day you will have no further desire for flesh but you will be hungry for soul.” I remembered those words today. Unfortunately now I know what she tried to tell me.

Did you ever had a problem doing your laundry? I am not talking about electricity or water goes off. I am also not talking about mixing white clothes with colored ones. I am talking about emotional difficulties. I had it last tuesday when I wanted to do my laundry. I am telling you, it was the strangest thing I had.

I was putting things to the washing machine then I stopped in one grey t-shirt. I looked at it for a while not understanding why I stopped in this t-shirt. Then I sensed the smell coming from the t-shirt. I got it closer to my nose. It was her smell. It wasn’t her perfume or anything. It was her smell. The smell I like the most. I breathed the smell in for minutes. I touched the stupid t-shirt like I am touching her hair. Then slowly I whispered “Elveda askim” and threw it to the washing machine and started the machine in a high temperature with a lot of softener and detergent to make sure smell will go away.

I don’t know if I washed out things from my heart but at least I washed them out from my sight.

I feel like I am living in a dream now. Maybe it is wrong to call it a dream but a nightmare. Someday I am opening my eyes and starting the day great but later in the day, something happens and I am back to my old self. I don’t know if I am sleeping or awake. I feel a knife making a hole through my heart. I feel like I am having a heart attack or something will make my heart stop beating. I don’t know how I ended up like this. My whole life is in pieces and all whose pieces are all around. My school work has never been worse. I am not the half of the man I used to be. And I lost the thing I cared the most. The thing I care the most is gone and will never come back.

I know this thing feels like an end for everything but it is actually now. What doesn’t kill us is supposed to make us stronger. But this is the second time I am losing someone I really care for. First time there was nothing I could do. This time there is also nothing I can do and maybe actually the thing which hurts the most is this. The feeling of despair. I didn’t feel it for five years and now it is back. It hurts the most maybe.

I will go to bed now. Close my eyes to this dark night and hope to open them to a better day. I hope one morning sun will shine again.

My life is not split. It is shredded.

Life is strange. Sometimes I think our ultimate reason to live is to suffer. There are small happinesses but those are just to make the life even more sadistic. Those are designed to give us hope and hope is the strongest weapon against human will.

I just took an ice cold shower five minutes ago. This is only ten minutes after I realized she made her relationship information hidden. I am now sitting on a chair completely empty. I don’t know what is going on. I don’t think she did that without a reason. I stayed under cold water for minutes. Shaking and crying. Crying out all my disappointment. Asking my self why? Is this the end? Please don’t go… I can’t stand this world without you. Please… Please…

koyverdun gittun beni oy
koyverdun gittun beni
allahından bulasun oy
allahından bulasun
kimse almasun seni kimse almasun seni
yine bana kalasun yine bana kalasun

sevduğum senin aşkın
ciğerlerimi dağlar
hiçmi duşünmedun sen
hiçmi duşünmedun sen oy
sevduğun böyle ağlar
sevduğun böyle ağlar

It is good(!) to be back home. Ok, this was extremely sarcastic ad you could get from the exclamation mark. Nothing is going good recently. Istanbul is supposed to make me happy but it is not making any chance. It is actually going to worse. My hysteric sister is being a drama queen as usual just because I prefer to spend my only free day before the conference with my girlfriend instead of her. My mother is crying continuously because my sister is crying and worst of all my dream of covering my girlfriend with my arms to sleep for next 4 days is in danger. All my hope is at least she will be the happy cheerful girl I like and light my days in Istanbul. If it goes bad as well this time I am burning down all the bridges to everyone including my family and never coming back from Sweden. Never ever… If you excuse me now it is time for 2nd round between me and mom. Bets are 1:5 for me and 1:3 for mom. “Ready. Fight!”

I had times that I have been thinking this is so sweet and other times this is so bitter. But I realized something. This is neither sweet nor bitter. No more love words and poetry. That is fine but it was never that simple. Life is not simple. Love is not simple. I know everything is fucked up and going down yet I am pretty afraid of losing. I shouldn’t be. I am not half the men I used to be. Losing my belief, losing my self confidence. This is not me. This is not me I see on the mirror…

I don’t get it. I am supposed to be a rational person. I always let my brain to decide. But whenever she does something nice, something simple. Heart is taking over and erasing all the process brain made. Now I am going back to beginning and everything is the same again. Now I know butterflies never die but sleep time to time.

I started writing now. My clock shows 3.25 am. I am really thinking what the hell I am doing this late. I just couldn’t sleep. There is a worm eating me inside out. I am feeling so awful and depressed. I disabled my fire alarm. Lighted a cigar. Nothing expensive though. Just a simple aromatic one. It helps a bit but keeping window open and feeling this cold is another story. I am listening to Dream Theatre’s Space Dye Vest in loop. I think it is not a great idea though. I can’t say it is making my mood any better. It is not a really positive song after all.

I need to read a 370 pages book, write a book review, write a research proposal and have an upcoming home exam. I totally have no idea what I am gonna do about my studies. Oh, I was nearly forgetting, I still didn’t finish the paper from last course. Besides all these school work I have important tasks and duties. When I am gonna do those? And how? I am seeking for strength but I can’t find any. Maybe I should try to pretend and forget. It is not easy though. It is not easy at all… I have reached limit of my strength, whatever happens from now on… it is out of control…

My clock shows 3.33 am…