I have been thinking what makes us weak? I mean as a human being, as a social creature which is not only flesh and blood but also heart and soul. At first I was thinking disease, viruses, microbes, bacterias… But no, those are the stuff which makes the animal body we live in sick. We are more than that animal. It is up to you to name it. Name it soul or force whatever you like. We are beings trapped in these bodies. Actually maybe not trapped but we need those to live. I am thinking how come the first human being was put into this animal form? We are not supposed to be an animal. A head, two legs, two arms… Is this our true form? I don’t think so. And since this is not our true form what makes us weak?

Answer to that is something really simple. Our feelings make us weak. When feelings come logic leaves us. It has been like that for a long long time. As far as we can remember in the flesh and blood bodies we live in. A person we love makes us weak. We can’t continue our normal lives without those. I am thinking now so our biggest weakness is love. Without love human kind would be much better than now. And all other feelings; hate, anger… We need to get rid of those, else we are weak. But on the other hand those are the things which reminds us we are more than flesh and blood. But I am thinking. I don’t like to be weak. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to feel… I don’t want to…

Today I opened my eyes and thought of something; Maybe 20 years from today we will wake up in a morning. Place unknown… Maybe somewhere in the north cold or south warmness. We will open our eyes and turn our sides. We will look at the strangers whom we are sharing our beds with. I don’t know if we gonna love them. I don’t know if we will still be missing each other. I don’t know if we will feel a pain in our hearts when we hear each others name from a common friend. Think about it. Won’t you shiver when you feel the smell of salt coming from the southern sea. I know I will shiver when I see a snowflake.  I will count every six piece of it and see your body in the most beautiful one. Then push all the snowflakes off of my coat with the back of my hand. But I can’t get rid of all the memories I have. Memories are stronger than snowflakes. But as I am get older I will start forgetting. They will be gone slowly. I will try to hang on the new family I have if I can have one. I don’t know how many of my friends still will be around me. Your face is insignificant now probably. I barely remember your body. After all 20 years makes a lot of difference. I will try to feel alive time to time. Maybe some adrenaline rush between all the theatre I am playing inside the society.

I actually don’t have the tiniest idea about next 20 years. I just know one thing; I will remember you. You are impossible to forget. And when I call your name at night, my heart will shiver…

“… Here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy chambermaids. O, here
Will I set up my everlasting rest
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!”

And all men kill the thing they love,

By all let this be heard,

Some do it with a bitter look,

Some with a flattering word,

The coward does it with a kiss,

The brave man with a sword!

- Oscar Wilde

Ama gene de herkes sevdiğini öldürür,
Bu böyle bilinsin,
Kimi bunu kin yüklü bakışlarıyla yapar,
Kimi de okşayıcı bir söz ile öldürür,
Korkak, bir öpücükle,
Yüreklisi kılıçla, bir kılıçla öldürür!
Kimi insan aşkını gençliğinde öldürür,
Kimi sevgilisini yaşlılığına saklar;
Bazıları öldürür Arzunun elleriyle,
Altın’ın elleriyle boğar bazı insanlar:
Bunların en üstünü bıçak kullanır çünkü
Böylelikle ölenler çabuk soğuyup donar.

Past midnight. I have finally reached the bottom. I feel like I can accept anything now and nothing would surprise me. I better go to sleep.

I told you I was depressed in the morning and I am even worse now. I feel like someone is messing with my mind. I have no explanation for her actions. I cant find reasoning for anything she does. I am out of logic and I am tired…

It is strange that I started to write on my blog only when I am depressed but recently I feel like everything is going upside down. I really have no idea what to do. School really sucks, I am far behind my working schedule. I am having difficulties with work. Not getting things I want and it all works on the negative way. I couldn’t sleep for last two nights and have 2 more days intensive working schedule. And it feels like the worst part is; she is so cold and distant to me. I feel like I really need her help but she is so mean to me. I wonder why?

Hayat herkesin anladığı kadar
Doğrusu da yok
Olması gereken olur
Yiyeceksin, içeceksin

Kendine “Ohh! Afiyet olsun.” diyeceksin

I am really suffering insomnia. It is 04.09 am and still I am up. I wanted to sleep but bed was too hot and too cold. I just couldn’t sleep and to tell the truth I don’t like this situation at all. I want to be normal. I want to go to bed no later than midnight and sleep 9 hours like normal people.

Unfortunately it is not happening. I have all these stuff about school and work in my mind. But you know what? I am not doing any shit for both. I am just thinking and thinking but not committing any action. I am just looking at John Ziman’s Prometheus Bound on my desk. I was supposed to start reading long time ago but all I have done till now is a huge nothing. I really need to spend more time for school and read. I am feeling sad about my laziness. I have a great opportunity and I don’t have the luxury of blowing it. I know there are many people who would wish to be in my place.

I guess I will connect all these to loneliness again. Yes, I am feeling lonely and I desperately need a cure for this loneliness. I need to meet more people and socialize more. Maybe I might be more “normal” again. I want to feel at peace. I know it won’t be easy while I am still at war with myself…

P.S. I am really sick for a week. I am coughing like a donkey and still have an awful sore throat.