Today is my birthday. I mean since the midnight it is my birthday. It feels kinda strange. In the middle of my last finals I don’t even realize what is going on. I feel nothing, even though I should be happy. Well… Maybe in the morning

Edit 1: Few hours ago Hilal and Fırat stopped by with a candle and a cake. It was so sweet

A ride in the ice,
I am old.
In the bed I have room for both.
Before that life does,
I want to keep envy.

A ride on the surface,
Are we happy?
The light turns off gradually.
Before being in the dark
I want to keep hope.

And dancing again.
Sailing forward.
And dancing again.
Send valser death
In the scene.

Last storm warning,
Living without thinking overnight.
Dance that turns the earth,
Downhill and air anything.

A last cigarette
A glass of wine,
Pick up the crumbs of the feast.
Done before everything stops,
The party to end.

Dance again.
Sailing forward.
And dancing again.
Send valser death
In the scene.

Happy birthday sister! How does it feel to be 30 now?

I have 5 finals left back and after that the first level of my university life will be over. This is something to be happy for I think but my problem and eternal enemy is called Math104.

Some of you knows that I don’t really like applied maths. Especially if it is applied to business. By the way Math104 is not even applied to business. It is just a really silly and complicated lesson. I failed it once and now I am afraid of failing it twice. Now I am supposed to be studying but my friend who is gonna help me with Math104 lent her notes to someone else and that someone else is fucking missing. I am not angry, only dissapointed.

I really don’t want to fail this shit. Not when I am so close to graduation. Not now…

It has been a really long while since the last time I wrote here. More than a month and actually a lot happened meanwhile but I already forgot some of these things. Now I am sitting in my balcony comfortably but the soft breeze turning into a cold one so I guess I will go in once I finish this and the expensive  Dominican cigar. (AVO XQ my favourite) For ones who don’t know. I am not a tobacco addict. I just smoke less than 10 cigars in a year. So I do it really just to enjoy it. This is something like smoking weed when you go to Amsterdam.

What change since back then? Nothing much I am still the same drinking, partying jerks. I am not intended to change. I guess I just like myself this way. I like who I am finally. Finals are approaching and I didn’t study anything yet. My first exam is on monday I am really wondering what the hell I am going to do. It will be my information systems analysis & design final and I am mixing all modeling types. Wish the models I am talking about now were Victoria’s Secret models. Unfortunately these are ugly system models. I guess I will survive all finals but this time I don’t have the luxury of failing even one course. This will be the first time in my life; I mean not failing any course in university. I am not worried about much. What gives me a stomachache recently is Cultural Medley 2009. I guess it will be really nice and smooth but still only around 40 people registered. I want that to be perfect. I guess I will be able to catch something closer. I really want that to be great.

By the way here comes the big news; I got accepted to Lund University’s Society, Science & Technology program. I am going to Sweden in august. Finally I will study what I love the most. Hopefully I will do better than I did with others. I really want that.

So people… This is what is going on recently. What’s going on with you?

Yes I am falling. How much till I hit the ground?

I feel like falling down. I have no idea what is happening to me but whole day I was in the gentle arms of depression. I have Bombay Sapphire in my glass but there is no tonic so I am drinking it with Sprite. I hate myself for everything including drinking gin with sprite. It seems like I am a failure. I just fail in everything in my life; my school, job, diving, photography and the worst is my relations. Not only personal relations but all kinds of relations with people. Still the personal relations are the worst.
Even I can not make the person I care the most happy. What I am living for then? I am a huge zero. Something never existed. I can not make a positive change in anyone’s life. Especially hers…

P.S. I am just down and probably I am not gonna make any positive change in her life. I am a failure… Once again…

Ok. I guess you have an idea who the miserable being is. Yeah, thats correct it is me. I just came back from Utrecht and feel like half dead after one week incredibly tiring meeting. All I want now is to have a good rest but it seems really impossible in these days. Positive thing: ESN Işık will be organizing the next Cultural Medley and so many people are really excited about it already. I don’t know how I will organize such a big event with all the careless people around me. Even the person I trusted unconditionally doesn’t understand me. It is already so hard to be friends with him and he is not making it any easier. I know him for years but seems like our friendship is not built on giving & receiving but only giving & unlimited tolerance from me. I don’t know. I wish he could understand me. I wish he could understand my extreme kindness during last week. Seems hard but I wish he could.

Of course I have some other reasons to be miserable. I am drinking Bailey’s on ice and listening some depressive Turkish Rock so it means I am in a really down mode.
By the way I just hate writing spending reports. I am 25 Euros short in the balance sheet(shit). I guess I am missing some invoices.
Anyway, my mom keeps crushing my dreams like she always does. I resist it but she is getting me tired and tired. I have no idea how long I can resist it. I feel like somewhere at sometime I will break apart. I know she loves me and wants to keep me close to herself but it shouldn’t be in exchange of my sanity. I can feel that I am losing it. Day by day… My imagination is going wilder. I hallucinate things. I am really afraid. I guess I am losing it. Slowly…

Uzun bir süre sonra yeniden Türkçe bir yazı yazıyorum. Tuhaf bir his. Yani bu blogu İngilizceye çevirmeye çalışıyorum ama bazı anlar geliyor ki Belki tembellikten belki de saçmalamalarımı bütün dünyanın okumasını istemememden dolayı yine Türkçe yazıyorum. Neyse konuya gireyim zırvayı bırakıp.

Geçen hafta sonu Selanik’teydim. Ufak Yunanistan seyahatimle ilgili detayları daha sonra yazacağım. Selanik dönüşü hastalandım. Boğazım mafoldu. Tam boğazım geçti şimdi de burnum musluk oldu akıyor. Bu ne biçim işse anlamadım. En azından antibiyotiklerin işe yarayacağını umuyorum. Pazartesi günü tam sağlıklı olmayı umuyorum. Tuhaf bir şekilde bir dolu ilaç aldım ve değişik bir kafa güzelliği yaşıyorum. Bu arada Facebook’ta çözdüğüm teste göre Tyler Durden mışım. Eh bana da bu yakışırdı değil mi? Bana birazcık amonyum nitrat verseniz size çok güzel bir şölen izletebilirim. Tam bu cümleyi yazdığım anda Brian Molko’nun iTunes’dan yükselen sesinin ¨Their explosions in the sky.¨ demesi de ayrıca güzel bir durum.

Salı günü Hollanda’ya gidiyorum. ESN’in en bir şahane toplantısı olan AGM için. Aslında hiç gidesim yok. Hele de böyle hastayken. Keşke bu yılki AGM daha ilginç bir yerde olsaydı. Ya da en azından benim daha önce gitmediğim bir yerde.

Özel hayatım ise olduğu gibi salak bir şekilde devam ediyor. Bakalım elde neler var; nevrotik bir eski sevgili, nasıl bir etki yarattıysa hala seks hayatımı etkileyen bir eski sevgili(msi… yok yok o hala muallak ne olduğu belirsiz bişi. Hem biz asla sevgili olmadık ki!), daha önce aynı evde yaşadığım ve hala düzenli olarak seviştiğim bir eski sevgili, arkadaş mı başka birşey mi neyin nesi rolüyle hayatıma alacağıma karar veremediğim bir kızcağız ve aynı şekilde hayatımın neresine koycağımı bilemediğim hoşlandığım ama neyin ne olduğunu anlayamadığım dünyalar tatlısı bir başka kızcağız. Tanrım! Bu ne böyle ya? Bütün bu kadınların hepsinin hayatımda ne işi var? Ben en iyisi gidip annemin kucağında uyuyayım. En azından sevgisinden emin olduğum tek kadın o hayatımdaki! İyi geceler ve hoşçakalın…

I am usually not into having fun with any religion… Ok, I know it is a lie but I respect all beliefs generally. But I just read something in the Bible and looks so absurd to me.

Matthew 4:1-11 (NIV): ¨All this I will give you,¨he said, ¨if you will bow down and worship me.¨ Jesus said to him, ¨Away from me, Satan!¨

Oh come on guys, Satan shows Jesus around and every time Jesus gives a clever answer but in the end he just tells Satan to back off? It sounds like when you try to pick up a girl in the bar and at first she gives clever answers but in the end tells you to back off. Oh my god, I just realized  the truth! Satan is gay and actually he is trying to f*ck Jesus. And Jesus is the chick who is trying to avoid the drunk guy. Now it makes sense.

With other words: Hodja come onnn. Come onnn hodja

when I cry for you, I don’t have a heart anymore
when I think of you, I don’t have a heart anymore
when I talk about you, it is not beating
it is not beating when I see you in my dreams
I pleased your wish, I don’t have a heart anymore
as a toy, I gave it to a little kid
fed a stray dog with it
like a piece of tile bounced over the water
and sinking watched it
I watched it sink a burning ship
crying how it drowns

I pleased your wish, I don’t have a heart anymore!
when I look at old pictures, I don’t have a heart anymore
when I miss you
a heart left back!
NON-EXIST!

P.S. A translation from Küçük İskender.